You Know You're a DAD If:

your son's shirt looks like he fell on a pizza on the way home from a friends house.

when you brush your daughter's hair, it feels like she used it to eat ice cream the night before.

the refrigerator handle feels like a topographical map.

you take 3 ibuprofen BEFORE the piano recital...and you don't even have a headache.

you don't mind attending a business meeting with a Disney character band-aide on your finger.

you can peel the top layer off of the ipad screen and eat it like a fruit-roll-up.

Coaching

Dads are coaches. I coach one of my daughters soccer teams. It occurred to me, after reflecting on the season, that there were many annoying characteristics about sports and competition today that are totally unnecessary. Here's an example:

Our soccer team went 5 and 5. When we won a game, the other team would chant, "two-four-six-eight, who do we appreciate...Pink Lemonade!" WE were Pink Lemonade. In other words, to show us what good sports they were, they cheered for us when we beat them!! What the? THEN, when we lost a game, WE had to chant, "two-four-six-eight, who do we appreciate...wiggle worms (or whatever the H they were)!" I was so proud when my youngest daughter said after a nail-biting loss, "I don't want to cheer for them!" I thought, "I don't either!" When did we start this crap?? We don't have to cheer and chant and praise a team that just beat us!! It's all PCP (Political Correct Parenting)! I want my kids to be in TEARS when they loose, because they gave everything they had out there...to win! I'm not saying they're going to win every time, but we don't have to be happy about loosing.

America was built out of a competitive spirit and I'm not ready to change that attitude simply because of a "let's just have fun" motto.

Make it happen.

Helicopter Parents

Ever heard of a helicopter parent? These are the parents that hoover over little Johnny wherever he goes. They guard him with little twin-fifty-caliber turrets hanging off the sides...making sure little Johnny is always first and best.

Need a nap?

If you want an uninterrupted nap, I have found the best place is the movie theater. I used to be able to sit through (and enjoy) a "family movie." But, the deeper into father-dom I go, the less attention I have for a kid friendly movie. Therefore, I get some great sleep!

Be warned, your wife will complain that you slept through the whole movie.

The Dog

Why, when I raise my voice, do the dogs run and hide? I could bump my head and cry out in pain and the dogs will be quivering in a back room somewhere.

Actually, I kind of like it...wish the kids would do that.

Sidewalks

In America, when you walk down the sidewalk, you stay to the right (just like on the road). Nothing makes me want to reminisce more about playing high school football* then a bunch of bewildered people walking on the wrong side of the sidewalk.

*In reference to drilling somebody into the ground

Get off your phone!!

Tis the Season. Be happy, jolly, loving...all that good stuff, but when some moron comes walking through the mall in his full-length trench coat and matching scarf while laughing and talking loudly on his cell phone, I just want to bring out my pimp hand. Wouldn't that be awesome?