Helicopter Parents

Ever heard of a helicopter parent? These are the parents that hoover over little Johnny wherever he goes. They guard him with little twin-fifty-caliber turrets hanging off the sides...making sure little Johnny is always first and best.

Need a nap?

If you want an uninterrupted nap, I have found the best place is the movie theater. I used to be able to sit through (and enjoy) a "family movie." But, the deeper into father-dom I go, the less attention I have for a kid friendly movie. Therefore, I get some great sleep!

Be warned, your wife will complain that you slept through the whole movie.

The Dog

Why, when I raise my voice, do the dogs run and hide? I could bump my head and cry out in pain and the dogs will be quivering in a back room somewhere.

Actually, I kind of like it...wish the kids would do that.

Sidewalks

In America, when you walk down the sidewalk, you stay to the right (just like on the road). Nothing makes me want to reminisce more about playing high school football* then a bunch of bewildered people walking on the wrong side of the sidewalk.

*In reference to drilling somebody into the ground

Get off your phone!!

Tis the Season. Be happy, jolly, loving...all that good stuff, but when some moron comes walking through the mall in his full-length trench coat and matching scarf while laughing and talking loudly on his cell phone, I just want to bring out my pimp hand. Wouldn't that be awesome?

Other people's kids

Don't you hate going to one of your kids performances just to be used as an audience member for a million other kids. My son plays the trumpet, I love to see him perform and listen to him play. I don't want to listen to other kids from other schools and other grades do their performances. My son plays two Christmas songs with a throng of C- musicians...total time 5 minutes 32 seconds. Afterward, I have to endure an hour and half of "other kids" performances with a required applause after each song. Oh, did I mention that they wanted us to PAY $10 each just to attend this "concert?"

Then you've got the parents that, after little Johnny plays, they head for the door. Listen, if I have to sit through Johnny's performance, you're gonna sit through my kids performance!!

One family got creative this year, they had Grandma fake a heart-attack so they could usher her out during the performance...of course, her Grandson Johnny had just finished!! I give these people credit, I might try that next year.

Piano Recital

You know you're a Dad when you take 3 ibuprofen BEFORE the piano recital.

Gift bags for the guests at your kid's b-day party...I'm over it!

who was the idiot that started giving gift bags to the guests of a kid's birthday party? So, not only does your child bring home a bag of plastic crap everytime they go to a birthday party, but you also have to purchase several bags of plastic crap to hand out at your child's birthday party!
When I was a kid, the party WAS the treat and the kid that was having the birthday got the gifts! Today, parents provide a meal, cake, activity and a gift bag...enough already! This junk in a bag winds up in the trash 24 hours after arriving home...it's a waste...waste of money and the environment.
I'm over it!

Dad Discourse

Prepare to grunt, scoff, laugh, sigh, gag, twitch, shutter, wrinkle and melt (among other things), you're a Dad!

Will "cool" transcend?
Will you see red?
Will a -12db tone ring in your ears from here on out?
Will you use your phone to videotape your child throwing a tantrum (in case you need to show a doctor)?
Will your heart only beat 2 times a minute?
Will your metabolism come to a complete stop?
Will you remember the snacks for halftime AND the end of the game?
Will you make the right choice for the birthday gift?
Will you fight the bear?

These questions and more...answered with little authority, but a heck-of-a-lot of anecdote! That's Dad Discourse!